


The Gift of a Curse

by embroiderama



Series: Cursed (de-aged Neal) [2]
Category: White Collar
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Fluff and Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-30
Updated: 2013-10-30
Packaged: 2017-12-30 23:18:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1024569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/embroiderama/pseuds/embroiderama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neal has an unusual problem: sometimes, when the world feels too big, he reacts by becoming small. (de-aged!Neal)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Gift of a Curse

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for [](http://jesseofthenorth.livejournal.com/profile)[**jesseofthenorth**](http://jesseofthenorth.livejournal.com/)'s prompt "a shiny new pair of shoes" in [](http://run-the-con.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://run-the-con.livejournal.com/)**run_the_con**.

Neal woke slowly to the bright warmth of sun on the side of his face, and he stretched, enjoying the cool feeling of the crisp cotton sheets. Something felt not quite right, and as he woke up further he realized that he couldn’t feel the edges of the mattress with his arms or legs, as if his bed had grown during the night. Or maybe—

Neal sat up with a gasp and looked down at himself to see small, soft hands, a narrow, pale chest, and legs so small they were swamped by the comforter. He touched his chin, and when he felt utterly soft skin with no hint of hair he put his hands over his face and sighed. He knew that he ought to be more shocked. In any reasonable world, he would be able to say that he hadn’t seen this version of himself in more than thirty years, but in reality Neal had last been this size only a few years earlier. There was no rational explanation, but in the years since Neal had left home at seventeen he’d woken to find himself reduced to the size of a puny five year-old three times. Now, four.

Neal thought that he should have been expecting this, but it wasn’t a thing he could allow himself to expect. He had lived a life with exhilarating highs and devastating lows, he’d survived the deaths of people he loved, and he’d come uncomfortably close to his own death a few times. Now he was a free man, the anklet and his obligation to stay in New York replaced with near-limitless possibilities, but it was always that overwhelming rush of freedom that sent Neal into this irrational retreat. Neal pulled the covers over his head and let himself hide until a demanding rumble in his stomach and the need to use the bathroom forced him out of his makeshift tent.

Being the size of a child was frustrating in multiple ways. The first problem was that he had no clothes that even vaguely fit. Neal pulled on a t-shirt, but it hung on him like a dress and didn’t want to stay on his narrow shoulders, making it only slightly better than being naked. The second problem was that he couldn’t reach much of anything without climbing on chairs and counter tops, but Neal was good at climbing so that problem was surmountable enough to let him make and eat a bowl of cereal. Strength and dexterity could be an issue, with stubby little hands and weak arms that sometimes completely failed to do what Neal wanted them to accomplish. The worst problem, however, was the one that wasn’t physical at all.

Neal knew that he was supposed to be a man in his thirties, bearing down on forty even, and he had the knowledge and interests of his adult self sitting in his head where he could use them as needed. His emotions, though, were all out of whack. No matter how much he reminded himself that he was safe and comfortable inside his apartment, being alone felt wrong, with that wrongness escalating the longer he was alone. He thought about calling Peter and trying to explain the situation. The idea of having Peter and Elizabeth nearby to make him feel safe was terribly tempting but he was glad that Peter wasn’t aware of this “little” problem, and in any case it would be some time before Peter would be able to arrive if Neal made that call.

 _It would take forever and ever_ , Neal thought and he bounced up and down on the balls of his bare, cold feet as the nervous child took over from the reasonable man.

Neal opened his apartment door and listened. He could hear high heels clicking down below, and neither of June’s housekeepers wore shoes like that so he knew June had to be home. Neal didn’t want to have to explain the situation to anybody but June, so he crept silently down the stairs and hugged the walls until he got to June’s upstairs sitting room where she was sitting at her vanity dabbing perfume behind her ears. Neal stepped inside then flatted his back against the wall so that nobody could see him from the hallway. Steadying himself for her reaction, Neal whispered, “June, it’s Neal.”

June startled but quickly covered the reaction. “Neal darling, why in the world—“ As June turned to look at Neal, her expression froze. “Well, where did _you_ come from?” Something like worry and anger crossed June’s face as she stood and moved toward the door to the hallway. “Neal!”

“Shh. Please! It’s me. I know it’s crazy, but it’s me.” Neal stood still and tried to make eye contact with June as she looked him up and down, her expression guarded. “Remember the scar on my elbow? The one you noticed when I was trying on Byron’s clothes that first day?”

June looked at him sharply. “Wherever Neal is, I must say I’m disappointed. I may be an old woman, but I am not a fool.”

“No! June, please. Look.” Neal bent his arm and pushed back the baggy sleeve of his oversized t-shirt. “See, it’s newer. I cut it on a swing set. I know this is crazy but it—it happens sometimes.”

“Crazy is putting it mildly,” June muttered under her breath, but she retrieved a pair of ready glasses from her vanity then bent down to get a closer look at Neal’s arm. She inhaled sharply. “It looks just the same.”

“It’s me.” Neal leaned against the wall and wrapped his arms around himself against the chill. The frustration of trying to convince June and the worry about what would happen if she didn’t believe him were starting to overwhelm the resources of Neal’s small body, and his eyes and throat ached with impending tears. “Can’t you t-tell?” Neal bit his lip at the unsteadiness of his high-pitched voice.

June pressed her lips together and put one warm, soft hand on his cheek. She looked deep into his eyes for a long breathless moment then lightly patted his cheek and sighed. “How in the world did this happen?”

~~~

Half an hour later, Neal finished with his story and leaned back against the arm of the small sofa in June’s sitting room as he watched her digest what he’d told her. Already, Neal felt better about the situation. When Neal had started to shiver while he was trying to find the right place to start his story, June had made him pause while she found a blanket and had Lydia bring a mug of hot chocolate. Neal was warm now, and he wasn’t alone; everything felt a lot closer to okay.

June laughed quietly and shook her head. “I supposed I shouldn’t be so surprised. You’re certainly an unusual man, Neal, and I’ve caught glimpses of this little boy before, just never quite so literally.”

Neal felt more of the panicked-child worry inside of him dissipate. “So you believe me?”

“I don’t think I have much choice.” June smiled kindly and took Neal’s empty mug from him. “Now, you said this shouldn’t last too long?”

“Just a day or two, probably.”

“Well then, what do you say to going out on the town with your surrogate grandmother?”

“I’d love to but I don’t have any clothes. I can stay here, I just didn’t want—“

“Of course you didn’t want to be alone. You’re far too small to enjoy the pleasures of solitude.” June touched her hand to Neal’s hair. “And clothing isn’t a problem. In fact, I think I have a measuring tape around here somewhere.”

June produced a fabric measuring tape from a drawer in her vanity and quickly took measurements of Neal’s waist, chest and inseam the best she could around the billowy t-shirt. She even measured Neal’s feet. “Now, stay put in here for now. I’m going to run out to do a little shopping, and when I get back here I’ll send Lydia home for the day to avoid having her think I’ve taken up kidnapping.”

“You really don’t have to buy me any clothes, June.” Neal pulled the blanket back around himself and shrugged.

“Oh, hush. After years of shopping for my daughters and granddaughters I finally have an excuse to shop for boys’ clothes. However, I will refrain from unnecessary browsing, and I’ll be back soon.”

June left and closed the door behind herself, and Neal sighed. He thought about sneaking back up to his apartment because there was nothing to do in June’s sitting room, but before he knew it he’d drifted off to sleep curled up in a ball on the small sofa. He woke to the sound of the door opening and looked up to see June walk in carrying some shopping bags and a small garment bag.

“June—“

“Hush. What did I tell you?” June put the bags down and began pulling out their contents. "I thought we could go get lunch and go to the park, so I got you something casual." June laid out a pair of crisp khaki pants, a blue sweater and blue canvas sneakers, all of them clearly far above the quality of the discount store clothes he'd worn as a child. "And underwear and socks of course."

"That's all I really need. Thank you."

"That may be all you need for lunch and playtime, but I have a pair of tickets to the ballet this evening. I was planning on asking you to accompany me before this turn of events, and I don't see any reason to change that. Do you?"

Neal shrugged. He hoped he would be able to sit still because the last thing he wanted to do was embarrass June. Ballet had never been his favorite, but there was no question that he prefered it to spending the evening alone in a big, empty house. "It sounds wonderful."

"I got you something a little bit nicer to wear for the evening." June winked and unzipped the garment bag to reveal a very small suit, the jacket and pants in a medium gray with white pinstripes, a white oxford shirt hung behind them. The bag was from Sak's and when Neal stood and went closer to look at it the tag said Dolce & Gabbana. "June. This is too much."

"Do you like it?"

"It's beautiful." Neal didn't feel guilty about wearing fine, expensive clothes as an adult; the quality of his clothes made a difference in how he felt and in the way others perceived him. But this--the idea of being worthy of this indulgence as a child made Neal want to shake his head but he didn't want to offend June. "Of course I like it."

"Good." June gave him a steady, gentle look that made him think she had an idea about what was going on in his head. "And last but not least, shoes."

Neal gasped as she pulled them out of their box. "Woooow." They were black patent leather wingtips, sleek and shiny. Neal stared at them until June laughed softly and put them away.

"Well, I don't need to ask if you like those. I think I'll leave you alone to get dressed for lunch, and you can come find me downstairs when you're ready to go."

Neal nodded mutely. He'd already said thank you, and he didn't know what more he could say without stumbling over his words. When June was gone, Neal pulled off his adult-size t-shirt and got dressed. It felt good to pull on clothes that fit, and when he looked at himself in the mirror he saw a kid who looked like he attended some kind of exclusive preschool. That was far from what his life had been, and even if his father hadn't thrown all of their lives into a tailspin so early on he never would have been this child in the $200 chinos.

Still, there was a kind of freedom in imagining that this could have been his life in some alternate reality, in realizing that his circumstances when he was a kid were just that--circumstantial. The heavy thoughts made Neal want to go run and hide under his bed, so he smiled at himself and shook it off. He had better things to do.

It felt very strange to hold June's hand instead of allowing her to take his arm, but she led him to a nearby cafe where they ate lunch before heading to the park. Neal fell in easily with a group of boys and girls around the age he appeared, and soon enough he was leading them in a non-traditional version of cops & robbers. June sat watching from a bench nearby, and Neal hadn't seen her laugh so much in a long time.

Despite the cool fall air, Neal talked June into stopping for ice cream, and as they walked back to the mansion Neal ate his way through a cone of vanilla soft-serve covered in rainbow sprinkles. Back inside, Neal felt so sleepy that he thought about curling up on the floor and taking a nap, but he didn't want to go up to his apartment. There was no good reason not to go up there, but after he spent several minutes standing at the foot of the stairs that would take him up past the second floor June directed him to one of the bedrooms she kept for her granddaughters. The comforter was pink but Neal didn't care. He just climbed under the covers in his underwear and took a very satisfying nap.

Later, when Neal was all cleaned up and dressed in his new suit and shiny new shoes, he felt like he was wearing a very complex Halloween costume. A man dressed as a boy dressed as a man. Looking at himself, he didn't know where he would draw the line between appearance and reality, but the one thing he did know was that he loved his new shoes. Down on the first floor, he took advantage of the slippery new soles and his currently low center of gravity to run and slide across the polished floor. Bugsy barked at him, and finally June stopped him with a stern, quelling look.

"Neal," she said, one eyebrow raised. "Are you going to be able to sit still during the ballet?"

Neal thought about it. "I think so. I can control myself if I want to. I just--" Neal looked down at the floor he had been skidding across. "It was fun."

"I understand." June reached out and rearranged Neal's hair where it had flopped around as he ran. The car arrived then, and they went out into the evening, hand in hand.

As soon as the ballet started, Neal knew he wasn't going to have any problem sitting still. June had arranged for there to be a booster seat for Neal, and he was glad because he didn't want to take his eyes off the stage. The music filled up the theater and filled Neal up inside, and the dancing was like something from a dream. Distantly, Neal knew he had seen similar performances as an adult but he'd only ever appreciated them in the abstract.

Now, though Neal knew the history, the facts and theory, his experience was visceral, emotional. Magical. When it was over, Neal twirled around on the sidewalk as they waited for June's driver. At home, June suggested Neal go to bed but he wasn't ready so he changed into his casual clothes from earlier and followed June into the downstairs sitting room and climbed up onto the surprisingly comfortable sofa next to her. He was sleepy but buzzing with energy at the same time, and he didn't want to go be alone yet.

June picked up a book she was reading, and Neal found a book that looked interesting but the small print was difficult to focus on. He kept shifting closer to June until she sighed in fond exasperation. "You can come closer. I won't bite."

So encouraged, Neal curled up with his socked feet on the sofa and leaned into June's side. Neal knew that it should have been awkward, would have been awkward if he were his usual size, but somehow it felt just right. June put down her book and patted Neal's shoulder. "Tell an old lady what you're thinking?"

"I don't know where to find any old ladies."

"Of course you don't, darling."

Neal was quiet for a moment then admitted to the knot at the center of his problems. "I don't know what I want to do. Or what I should do. I have all of this freedom now, and I should go. Historically, I would go."

"History doesn't have to repeat itself if you choose otherwise."

Neal nodded against June's shoulder. "The world feels too big, and this curse makes me small but it doesn't last."

"Hmm, I'm not so sure it's a curse. To me, this day was a gift, and I'm glad you shared it with me."

"Me too." They were both quiet for a while, and Neal thought about everything he had, everything he wanted. "All of the things you've given me today, I kept thinking about how I wanted them when I was little. The fancy clothes and the attention, of course I wanted those things. But, I think the thing I didn't know I wanted was real family, love that wasn't just an obligation."

"You have that now. You should know that."

"I do. I think I understand it now. You, Mozzie, Peter, Elizabeth, the extended family beyond them." Neal took a deep breath and squirmed in even closer to June. "I don't want to leave."

"Then don't. Stay and be loved."

 _Stay and be loved._ Neal rolled the words around in his head as he inhaled the fading scent of June's perfume. Later, he was only barely awake enough to be aware that June was chivvying him up the stairs and into the bedroom he had napped in earlier. He felt her hand on his head as she tucked him into bed, and he fell asleep before she left him alone.

~~~

Neal woke slowly to the smell of coffee and the sound of footsteps nearby, and he stretched, enjoying the cool feeling of the crisp cotton sheets. Something felt not quite right, and as he woke up further he realized that his hands and feet were all dangling past the sides of the mattress as if the bed had shrunk during the night. Or maybe—

Neal sat up and looked at the tiny cotton t-shirt stretched across his chest and winced at the pinch of too-small briefs around his hips. He thought about his conversation with June the night before and realized that he had his answer: the world could be very big, but it could also be just as small as he wanted it to be.

He had the freedom to go anywhere, but the only place he wanted to be was New York. Home. Finally.


End file.
